Eyy!!! Eyyy!!!! Eyyyy!!!!!

Most of the world is probably aware of what I’m about to say next, but for those in the dark, the results of the Indian general elections — that were carried out in a staggered process over five phases and lasting nearly a month and a half — have been declared. And surprise-surprise (!), the Indian National Congress came up trumps.

Enough analysis has been done on the issue, so I won’t linger on that too much. Suffice it to say that since coming to power five years ago, some of the changes that have been brought about by Dr Manmohan Singh’s government at the Centre and some of the policies they have stuck steadfastly to, may well have earned them the confidence of the masses. The masses who graciously decided to grant the REAL turbanator a second term.

That being said, it’s possible that a distinct lack of a viable alternatives or a reasonably reliable second option led people to vote for the Congress, en masse. I don’t know. But what I do know is events like elections, terror attacks and sports events bring out the absolute worst in most people, specifically journalists. Garden variety scribes, mic-toting soundbyte-hunters, editors and probably the worst of all, camera persons and photographers.

But before diving into my rant, I’d like to express my gratitude to them for bringing the photos and videos that they do. I understand it’s a difficult job and after a few years on the field, one does become a little accustomed to pushing and shoving and can bring it into one’s non-work life.

What, however, is inexcusable is the sheer lack of manners, decency, propriety and humanity that these morons have. From yelling “Eyyyy!! Eyyyyy!!!” at the state’s chief minister, just so that he looks into their camera for a brief second to yelling the same thing at a little waiter serving refreshments at a press conference to barging and shoving people out of the way, when it’s grid-locked and there’s no way to get out.

For these reasons and more, I often wonder, just how badly do we need photographs in newspapers and TV news anyway? Wouldn’t the world be better without them and the mannerless offal that they bring with them?

Tu tera dekh

Anyone who’s ever been to one of Mumbai’s (and indeed India’s) numerous filthy and grimy public toilets, will undoubtedly at some point or the other, have come across crudely etched graffiti. Amidst the incredibly poorly drawn sketches of breasts, vaginas and penises, are liberal uses of the word “fuck” and telephone numbers for people who can provide all sorts of sexual treats for all orientations.

Somewhere next to all that clutter, is a phrase usually seen etched above a line of urinals.

Tu tera dekh

Put very simply, the phrase translates to “look at your own”. Which, while being a wonderful little idiom to carry with one, also tells people to look into their own urinal and not let their eyes stray. Practical. But so what?

Being a Licorice All-Sorts journalist (i.e. one who doesn’t stick to just one beat), I find myself in the oddest of press conferences and only yesterday, did I attend one being taken by the US consul-general to celebrate Obama’s first 100 days in office. Aside from being another exercise in shameless self-promotion, why is this relevant?

The larger implications of our phrase for the day only entered my mind when certain relics of journalism (who probably believe the British Raj is still on) began asking the consul general about the US foreign policy on outsourcing. If I’m not entirely mistaken, he even asked loudly and in a shrill way, “Well, don’t you think it’s unfair that just to save US jobs, the government is causing so many jobs to be lost in places like Bangalore?”

Let’s examine this concept for a second. Unfair that your own Nation’s jobs are being saved for its citizens? When, in our own backyard, the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena and the Shiv Sena talk about Maharashtra jobs for Maharashtrians, no one lets out a peep. But, they’re more than willing to be brash and claim American jobs as their birthright?

My advice to said relic is to look at whom you are (indirectly) pissing on — all the north Indians who would lose their jobs if Maharashtra only gave Maharashtrians jobs. Then look at what someone else is pissing on. In other words, Tu tera dekh and then look into the other urinal.