Cowardice in the Gaudy Age of the Grotesque

I’m pretty pleased with myself.
2008 was one of the slowest years for The View.
Only 16 posts and most of them sucked.
That’s not why I’m pleased.
I thought the Gaudy Age of the Grotesque series would be a two-parter.
A trilogy at the very most.
Now, we’re already staring down the barrel of part five.
BANG!

It was at the end of another woefully mismatched contest in the IPL between the Mumbai Indians and Deccan Chargers that the broadcasting channel decided to show some “exclusive” footage of that night’s post-match party. There’s this new concept they have of a party (in the city in which the match was played) every night at the end of the match with random celebrities preening and posing for cameras and hob-knobbing with cricketers, team owners and socialites. I hear they also have ramps and fashion shows by designers who couldn’t quite make it to a normal fashion show. Presumably, the cricketers model their wares. Or something. I don’t know.

And so, on this so-called exclusive footage was a television presenter with horrible facial foliage, who is described by a colleague of mine as a choosa hua aam (sucked-out mango). So this mango man walks up with his cameraman and microphone to IPL Commissioner (that name still makes me laugh; makes it seem like he’s on Raw or Smackdown) Lalit Modi and Sushmita Sen, who acts in films and adopts little girls. So, mango master asks some inane questions that are fresh out of the training manual for banal TV presenter-style chit-chat.

After gushing about Sachin was her favourite cricketer, Sen proceeded to answer mango mania’s next query about which team she supported. Some nit-witted giggly joke about being a neutral supporter was followed by—... You know what? This doesn’t really capture the essence of it at all. Let’s try again.


Mango Masala: So Sush... *cracks one of those ‘Eyyyy’ smiles* Are you enjoying the cricket?
Sen: Oh my, yes... of course *trying hardest, it would seem to convince herself* It’s... great.
Mango Masti: Yeah? *absolutely shocked by that response* Wow, that’s great. Do you have a favourite cricketers?
Sen: Well, let’s see... *rumbled, she realises she needs to come up with some names*. I have a lot of favourite players *phew, she sighs, that was a close one, but it’s best not to take chances, so who’s that guy everyone knows... errr... he’s on hoardings, tv and errr...* But my all-time favourite is Sachin Tendulkar. He’s just... great *phew, home and dry*

Mango Mahal: Yeah? That’s... great *if it’s not a Citi Moment of Success, or a Karbonn Kamal Catch or a DLF Maximum... it must be great* Which team are you supporting in the IPL?
Sen: *bloody hell, what is this, a trial? what where those teams called again, she wonders briefly, grins and notices that creepy Modi leching at her from off camera* Well, you know I... just like your commissioner Mr Modi, I too am a neutral supporter
Modi: *ain’t got nothing to do or say... wait, camera’s turning towards him and so he grins*
Sen: I usually select the team I’m going to support after the match has started *need to know who’s winning to then support them... wait, that came out wrong... backtrack* and I always back the underdog.

At this point, Modi clears his throat and gets ready to open his mouth. The guy was adept enough at inducing thousands to cringe in the first couple of IPLs, but he has been nothing short of an utter embarrassment in this particular edition. First off, he has the most moronic speech-writers. Either that or he writes them himself and they’re very very poor. Secondly, at every match, he runs around the stadium in a bit to sit next to every vaguely famous person at the ground and ensures that he is shown doing so onscreen. And some member of the commentary team, usually Ravi Shastri (you too have become such an embarrassment) will announce in a regal manner, as his heart beats proudly in his chest, “The commissioner, ladies and gentlemen... Lalit Modi” or some shite like that and Modi’ll smile and wave at the camera. It sickens me.

Honestly, watching the IPL is an emotionally traumatic process. Ads. Interruptions. That stupid Spanish horn. Modi. Shilpa Shetty. Some would call it Emotional Atyachar. (Bud-dum thish!) A television show called Emotional Atyachar, which is basically a copy of the American show Cheaters as I’ve been reliably informed, recently received a strongly-worded call from the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena. It’d take too damn long to go into just how dodgy the concept of the show is so I’ll make it ultra ultra brief (Go me!). Boy/girl suspects partner is cheating, gets TV channel to plant spycams, microphones and decoys to administer “loyalty test” and show all footage to boy/girl who suspects partner, followed by a final showdown.

No, it isn’t the dubious moral leanings of the show that invited the MNS’ wrath and threats of violence. One of the girls who suspected her boy friend of being a dirty no-good rat, said “Bombay” instead of “Mumbai” on the show. This led to the threat, which was followed by extra care by the Emotional... people to never let anyone say “Bombay” again and a ticker across the screen apologising for the mistake. Ok. The Shiv Sena a few days earlier attacked the nearly 130-year-old Bombay Natural History Society for not changing its name to “Mumbai Natural History Society”. BNHS didn’t apologise or anything though. Good on them.

Which brings us back very neatly to mango mambo, Sen and Modi. To recap, Sen had just said that she supported the underdog and...

Sen: *underdog eh? so, by that logic...* And so today, I was a Deccan Chargers supporter
Modi: *jumps in over-enthusiastically* Nonsense, she supports Bombay!

Did you hear that, MNS and Sena? Lalit Modi said Bombay on TV. I don’t see your goons trying to break down his door, smear ink or paint on his face and tear his clothes up. What happened? Got scared that he might have security guards, who might have an automatic weapon that might be unloaded in the heads of your foolish followers? What’s the matter, o protectors of Mumbai and its culture? Doused your drawers at the thought of taking on Modi Inc? Happy taking on the little guy, but revealing what cowards you are when it’s time to carry your agenda to the big dog. It’s really sad.

Keep it up and carry on beating up North Indians and then see how quickly this city goes to hell. Honestly, starting fights when people say “Bombay”? Grow up. I bet Modi just said it to show how you can’t touch him. So this then, is for you, Shiv Sena and MNS. Read as carefully as you can.

Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay Bombay effin’ Bombay. Jo ukhaadna hai, ukhaad le abhi.