My sentence tapers off at this point as I furrow my brow in a vain attempt to work out just how many times these words have slipped out of my mouth in the past few months... weeks... days? Anyway, it goes without saying that you stand a greater chance of seeing Cristiano Ronaldo sign up with Mohun Bagan AC for the princely sum of Rs 24, than you do of seeing any other sport ever flourishing in this country, under this present state of sports hegemony (or is 'monopoly' a a better and more appropriate word to use in this scenario — Yes, I'm aware they mean 2 different things). Nevertheless, the fantastic, brilliant, action-packed, dazzling, glamorous, spell-binding (I can't remember any of the other adjectives used repeatedly by SET MAX's 'glorious' commentary team) spectacle that was the IPL was a welcome distraction from the usual claptrap on TV today.
The cricket was for the most part, of excellent quality, the matches were fun, the hoop-la and shenanigans were amusing (albeit, mildly so) and such like. Now it's over, and everybody involved (except the consumers who paid through their noses for tickets and were forced to stand in a rundown stadium, with minimal to no amenities) finds their wallets far heavier than they were only a few weeks ago.
But like all things good or bad, the IPL too must and did come to an end.
What refuses to come to an end however, is the abject shit that still flows through the airwaves and is being marketed as 'cricket-related programming'. I'm not going to go into just how abysmal the presentation of the IPL was; with shitty commentators — the man with the tiniest dictionary in the world, that probably runs a page and a half before wrapping up and dying, Mr Arun Lal and the man with 6 catchphrases to suit all occasions with a penchant for referring to Sri Lankan players by their first names, Mr Ranjit Fernando — a pathetic presentation team with geniuses like Shonali Nagrani and Lekha Washington (what a name) who still believe that preening and gushing with profound stupidity and asking deep questions like "So... that was an amazing performance, no?" is what sports presentation is all about — innumerable invasions of advertising — Someone needs to hunt down and slap the taste out of the mouth of that stoopid Havell's electrical switches kid whose hair is all Static-X-like and standing up because he was electrocuted — and non-stop visuals of Preity Zinta jumping around whooping and screaming like a moron while Ness Wadia stood in the background sadly and silently contemplating (I can only presume) the answer to the question, "Why Lord why? Why do you play this trick on me?"
Phew! And just when you thought it was all gone, the shitty excuse for 'cricket-related programming' rears its ugly head once more! This time, it's in the form of a new television show, described by the biggest Indian news web-portal (could I be any more specific?) as follows:
"Cricket Tadka Marke as the name suggest (sic) would dish out the sport with a dash of spice. This show focuses on crazy fans, gossip about cricketers, fun trivia and other happenings in the world of cricket. The Cricket-Bollywood connection would be exposed here."
So... where do I begin?
I happened to watch a bit of this travesty today for want of anything else on television while I was tying my shoelaces. The devastatingly asinine nature of the show made me sit up and watch a few minutes more in mortified paralysis. The basic premise of this piece of televisual excreta is some dumb-ass called Archana Vijaya (apparently, she won some beauty contest a few years ago) being forced down the consumers throat as eye candy, rambling inanely about stuff no one really cares about.
Going back to how the show was described...
"Dish out the sport with a dash of spice"? OK, I haven't seen that yet. Next.
"Crazy fans"? Perhaps not crazy, but idiotic, certainly. Can't say I consider Archana much of a fan though.
Moving on. "Fun trivia"? If lines like "I bet you didn't know that Bangladesh has its own film industry!" coupled with a faux-shocked expression, constitute fun trivia, then... well I don't know exactly but the world would be a terrible place to inhabit.
"Other happenings in the world of cricket"? Forget about other happenings; how about ANY happenings in the world of cricket and not happenings in the lives of the weird little creatures that live in the skull of whatever jackass conceptualised and created this show?
And this next part is my personal favourite... "The Cricket-Bollywood connection would be exposed here" Shock! Horror!! Awe!!! The only reason there is any connection of that sort is because of the kind of money-grubbing muppets who create some connection to add "a dash of spice" to a sport that really could do without all of that. Add some of that spice to football or hockey or even invest more in the tennis circuit. You gotta love the way it says "will be exposed here"; a phrase that's really more at home when saying, "At the conclusion of this part of the experiment, you will have yourself an acid and a base. The relationship between the acid and the base will be exposed here."
Now, add all this nonsense, if you will, to the fact that the show's "jokes" are actually quite offensive. I'm guessing some hick of a producer sat down in his air-conditioned cabin, sipping some tea with loud slurping noises, clutching a pack of Goa or Manikchand in the other hand for a post-tea treat and laid this down on his team.
Hick: So... what's the gossip? What's new?
Team Rep: Well Sir, the cricket team is in Bangladesh now.
Hick: Oh yeah!! *slurp* That's that there place where they done talk funny like... with they stoopid accent and missed pronounc-ation.
Team Rep: err...
Hick: Yes yes! Find some random piece of ass.. you know, so that the average Indian male will watch the show, give her a low-cut top and i'll write you a script tonight
Team Rep: Are you sur-...
Hick: Now where's my Manikchand?!
I'm not kidding. They actually mocked the Bangla accent in the first part of the show. Now take this vicious cocktail and add in a dash of the worst scripting since Gigli led Pastry to contemplate suicide and you have Cricket Tadka Marke all sussed out. I am certain NEO hired some former classmates of mine. I just know it. I could recognise that "style" of writing a script anywhere. Lines like, "What's up, guys? .........So..... *pause*..... India is playing a tri series in Bangladesh..... *pause*.... Isn't that rocking?......... Yeah......... Bangladesh is India's neighbour...... *pause*...... It's right next door!...... Isn't that unbelievable?" sound like they've come right out of the play-books of certain people I've had the distinct honour of knowing in the past 3 years. That's not a rude slap-down or me being mean, by the way. It's an honest observation.
An honest observation like the fact that watching that dumb show has probably caused the IQ of every single person who watched that show to drop by 3 or 4 points, at the very least. May God have mercy on our souls.
P.S. — A humble plea to Archana Vijaya, Shonali Nagrani, Lekha Washington, Arun Lal and Ranjit Fernando: PLEASE FIND A NEW JOB!!! I'll be happy to forward your CV's to everyone I possibly can, but please get the F off my TV screen.
2 comments:
Suicide is for the weak. Gigli, surprisingly enough was not my breaking point yet. Though it was squirm-worthy enough to take up self flagellation I think.
No, the worst movie I have ever seen yet has got to be a tie between Killer Klowns From Outer Space, and Peter Greenaway's The Cook, the Thief , his Wife and her Lover. The former had space ships that look like tents. The latter was supposed to reflect society during Margaret Thatcher's reign. Yet somehow the metaphor was lost to me at the point where a fat mobster (thief) eats the dead and roasted cock of a librarian (lover) and then gets shot in the head by his wife (wife)
In the words of Walt Kurtz (and Dexter boy genius)
"The horror...the horror..."
And KP, about this post. This is the long run I was talking about. The marriage between Bollywood and cricket spawns shit like these TV shows that will ultimately ruin any interest and has already nullified a significant amount of respect I had for the grand game.
-Darius
that the most retarded shit i have seen in my life. i meant, that was really kick ass. a little bit more on some more aspects of that 3rd grade LS show cud have been more nice. But ur good at taking a dig ate these chonts and ghochus that are ruining sports.
Keep going brother. Pastrly wala line acha tha.
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