Sexy time

What is with the news this week being full of just sex, sex and very little else apart from sex? More so than usual, I mean. In fact, the papers have been so full of sex lately that I’m surprised that a renowned political science (or something) professor from St. Xavier’s College — who usually has a problem with anything and everything — hasn’t gone and filed a Public Interest Litigation to ban all newspapers.

Slight detour: Public Interest Litigation? Now there’s a misnomer if I ever heard one. I’d like to look at a list of all the so-called Public Interest Litigations filed (especially in Mumbai) and check just how many were really in the public’s interest and how many were just because one person was pissy that his/her kid wouldn’t stop watching WWE on TV. Or wouldn’t eat his/her peas. Or something.

But back to the sex part now, more on the issue of bans and banishment later. Here’s a list of only a miniscule number of “sexy” stories that popped up in the papers this week.

Cricket training dossier: The biggest story by far was arguably lifted from what was probably a tiny section in Indian cricket coach Gary Kirsten’s dossier to the team on preparation etc. He happened to mention that sex was a good preparation tool before a big game. In his words, “pre-match sex boosts players’ performance”. Perhaps so, but that was probably just a section of the whole dossier. Instead that was pretty much all that was written about. So much so, that they even had a section in one paper (I forget which) where retired cricketers were asked about their views on this dossier. There are many terrible things in the words and reading about Bishen Singh Bedi and Ajit Wadekar waxing eloquent about masturbation ranks quite high on that list.

Sex degrees of separation: According to Britain’s Lloyd’s Pharmacy, the average British person has had 2.8 million indirect sexual partners in a lifetime. What began as a survey of 6,000 adults to raise and spread awareness about sexually-transmitted diseases, turned within no time into what will undoubtedly form the topic of discussion at many a bar-type situation. According to the ‘sexual health director’ of Lloyds, “When we sleep with someone, we are, in effect, not only sleeping with them, but also their previous partners and their partners’ previous partners.” Lovely thought.

Moskau Mule: Nothing to do with a mule really, I just like the alliteration... But I digress. On the same week as I go and meet the US Ambassador to India, the US Ambassador to Russia filed an official complaint with the Russian government. Why is this relevant? Because the complaint was filed against someone who allegedly fabricated a sex video that popped up on a Russian website, depicting a US diplomat “doink the hokey-pokey” with some unidentified woman in a non-descript hotel room. Apparently, the video was made by splicing footage. Of course it was spliced. It was spliced the same way as Varun Gandhi’s communal speech was spliced with the footage.

Doggy Style: However, what is by far and a long way, my favourite sex story of the week is about 26-year-old taxi driver Mahesh Kamat. Now, as the story goes, Mahesh, after a hectic day behind the wheel, decided to unwinds — as you do — by having sex with a dog. The traumatised canine’s whines and yelps drew the attention of a passerby, who lodged a complaint and had the man put away. Now, after being in custody, Kamat demands bail. Why’s that, you ask? Because according to him, the police had not taken the victim’s statement. Read that again if you need to. The lack of the raped dog’s statement, according to Kamat, was reason enough for him to get bail. Honestly.

And that’s just some of them.

However, reverting to the talk of bans and banishment, some genius from that hallowed hub of Hinduism that is Nevada, USA has called for Kirsten’s resignation as coach, for attacking the moral fibre of the country. According to a “Hindu statesman and president of the Universal Society of Hinduism” by the name of Rajan Zed, Kirsten seemed to imply that women were to be used like gym equipment or some such shit. He also claimed that in India, cricketers are looked upon as role models and having them indulge in casual sex was a scary thought, as millions would start copying them. As an indication of just how mind-numbing that last statement was, my brain has gone blank and I have no idea how to finish this post, let alone continue it.

FIN